Cathy Haris - My Dad played a major part of my life - best friend, work and hobby partner, head of our 'complicated' family and most of all 'my wall'. Devastatingly he had a vicious form of cancer, suddenly and quickly I was losing him. He wouldnt talk about the end and after, he would say 'I wont be here'. Yet as he slipped away he asked me to 'look after things, especially your Mother', and I promised that I would.
After he died I realised just how much I needed those precious conversations we should of had but he couldnt face. I constantly looked for messages and signs that I was doing things as he wanted. I would look through shared books or special places for a secret note or letter from him - any bit of contact. I have never felt so alone, vunerable and 'dejected', I got angry that he'd left me to 'take over' with no 'instructions' and with serious family matters to manage.
If only there had been a message, some kind of note or best of all his never failing instructions and guidance for us all, we could have grieved, recovered and managed so more easily and sooner.
The family never recovered, it fell apart.